Hi Readers ~ Here’s my annual “Christmas Letter.” A spoof that began in 2008. You can begin here at the top, with the latest letter, or start at the bottom with 2008. Enjoy and Happy Holidays, from all of us, to all of you. Kate
Happy Holidays ~ 2011 / Ditto 2012
To Dan, Daffy, Kenny, LMS, Little-er Mary Sunshine, and all my family, friends, and former neighbors ~
In case you’ve been wondering why you haven’t seen or heard from me in the past few weeks ~ I split ! I’ve run away from Dan, Daffy, Kenny, LMS, and that little-er Mary sunshine, (my Aunt Fanny!)
Dan was changing jobs faster than I was changing diapers on that spoiled brat ~ Little Little Mary Sunshine, for god’s sake and Dan, Daffy, Little Mary Sunshine didn’t lift a finger to help.
Since Daffy joined some cult/commune out west, I hardly ever hear from her – which I take as a blessing. Kenny’s been gone for months and all we’ve gotten are a few postcards from places further and further away; which I also take as a blessing!
Dan was always coming and going from the latest three-week-job or half-hour interview the Fed’s finagled for him, while LMS and her latest boyfriend are rattling the metal walls of that RV.
And the walls were paper-thin! One day, while cleaning up around the outside of that place, I noticed scratches on it – patches of five vertical lines along the back aluminum siding. That’s when I met Randolph–the Wildlife Conservation Officer!
Rudy comes by often to check on us, especially in the spring and spring in the woods is just beautiful, except for the bears. So this past spring, when Randolph stopped by, I pointed out some scratches on the plywood, (actually they were more like gouged out, very deep scratches), and he said, “Yes – bear claw’s did that, probably looking for food, just smelled some of your good cooking. I often pass by just for a whiff or two. Just keep the plywood on the windows and you’ll be fine.”
That’s when I realized I was living in a bear’s tin pantry! That was the last
claw – straw! I’ve supported these ingrates for three years now, and all I’ve heard was where’s this, what’s that, is that done, but I gave it to you, I left it there, I can’t do that, I’m too tired to do this, and isn’t it ready yet! Enough !
I just couldn’t stand it any longer, so I’ve run away with the Game Warden!
Me and Rudy, say Goodbye !
Happy Holiday’s ~ 2010
Hi, everyone ~ Greetings again from our house to yours – well, maybe your house, ours is still that ^@^&**&(*%$# RV up at the lake. I’m not complaining, it’s a roof, albeit a leaking, rusty metal one, over our heads
JSUKnow, my arm healed perfectly without surgery. So well, in fact, that as soon as most of the ice melts, I’ve decided to fix a little leak on that ^@^&**&(*%$# RV roof.
Luckily, we were allowed to go back to that RV. The Fed’s don’t think anyone from Diggawhole actually believes Dan divulged what the VPOR’s deny was “their little nest egg” on purpose; they just think he’s stupid. Which, at times, I have to agree with.
The Home Ec degree idea didn’t work out; I just couldn’t find courses in home economics. Since there were lots of courses in human, consumer, and family sciences, they advised me to try them out. But when I got to my first class, there were almost as many men students as women students – whoever heard of men taking Home Ec; men staying at home w/the children – it’ll never happen. One class, “Managing the Household Budget,” included coursework on financing, mortgage rates, and APR’s but not a coupon book in sight.
Kenny, LMS, and Little-Little Mary Sunshine, are holding it together by a thread. Actually by many threads – attached to my bed linens! Understandably, being the car-wash-vacuumer isn’t the best job in the world, so when the manager added insult to injury and asked Kenny to start emptying car litter bags Kenny quit. He said he just couldn’t take this sh*t any longer and he left us ~ left his wife Mary and Little Mary, his daughter with us.
Since the day that ankle monitor came off, whatever the hell Daffy is doing – god only knows. I hardly ever see the little b*tch. She never even looks for a job, she’s always out with her friends, and when she does come home, it’s just to look for pocket change under the couch cushions.
Well, that’s about it for now, I’ve got to run to the drug store for a refill on my high blood pressure medicine.
Love to all from all of us.
Happy Holidays ~ 2009
Hi ~ please excuse me for not hand writing a new Christmas letter this year; but I fell and broke my arm a few weeks ago and the cast impedes the calligraphy strokes.
I was just changing the porch light – can you believe it? With all the Christmas lights on the house, it took me a while to realize the porch light had died. Even though we’re a little short of money this year, we put up the lights anyway. We have them on a timer, so I only had time to find and change that porch bulb as the Christmas lights went on and off, and down I went – thunk!
During the summer, there was a big scandal at Diggawhole’s, and Dan was put into the new position of VP of Operation Recovery/VPOR. He got a big raise and is really enjoying himself. He’s getting help from all the VPOR Assistant’s, as most of the time, he is just signing the reports people put in front of him. It takes no time at all; he doesn’t even have to read them.
The caretaker’s RV didn’t work out. We’ve moved – see envelope for new return address. Can only talk about it in person – after scanning for bugs ~ eavesdroppers.
Well, LMS delivered 20 babies – we’re hoping for a reality TV show. N0 – just kidding. Mary had a beautiful little girl. She has pitch-black hair and the deepest brown eyes I’ve ever seen. They make a striking group, with Mary and Kenny so pale and blonde. LMS said she’s the spitting image of a long-lost cousin on her Dad’s side.
Daffy didn’t get such a nice judge for her second offense. We won’t know if the accounting course credits she got while Juvi Hall, are transferable until spring. She can hardly wait to graduate, as she’s planning to join her dad at Diggawhole’s. He can probably pull a few strings.
Aunt Dee remarried. We couldn’t go, but heard Dee and Bill’s evening wedding, in Aunt Dee’s backyard was just beautiful. They got a real break in the cost of lighting up the tent, the trees, the fences, even using an electric pole for lighting up the parking area, since the groom works for the electric company.
Well, that’s about it for now. I’m taking it easy, resting my arm, waiting for it to heal adequately to schedule the surgery.
Love to all from all of us.
Happy Holidays ~ 2008
Hi, everyone ~ Just a note to stay in touch and bring you up-to-date with what’s happening at our house.
After almost ten years with the mortgage company, Dan was unexpectedly demoted, and in a very, and I do mean very, generous plea agreement, Dan has agreed to perform janitorial services for the next five to ten years in situ.
Everyone agrees it’s the best outcome – after all, maintenance staff is always revered in any company. Since all the liens and suits are settled, we’re really thrilled Dan has this opportunity for restitution and the Fed’s have promised that after this penalty phase, we’ll have plenty to live on.
In the meantime, the Ex-Clu County Club Board of Trustees is graciously allowing us to rent the caretaker’s RV up at Lake Comengetit. This time of year its peaceful, and they’ve assured us that as long as we keep the plywood on the doors and windows, the bears, coyotes, and other wildlife are really quite friendly.
Unfortunately, Kenneth wasn’t doing as well as we hoped in his first year at U of Z, so he’s back home now going to the local vo-tech. Kenny’s even been able to fit in a job as a “vacuumer” at the all-night car wash. Being home makes it easier for him to spend more time with Little Mary Sunshine, his pregnant girlfriend. Although, I find that during this cold, dark, and dreary winter season, their political and cultural differences are beginning to surface, along with a teeny-weeny bit of tension.
On a good note, Daphne is again repeating her junior year at DeBunk High, but this time she’s carrying a lighter load, which includes jewelry assembly. I’m sure she’ll breeze through – she just loves that bling! And more good news – Daffy’s ankle monitor comes off in the spring, and her driver’s license should be reinstated just in time for summer vacation, so she can get back to some spending quality time with her old friends.
Sadly, Uncle Bud, (from the Light side of the family), passed away this year. His drinking got the best of him when he decided to install his Dish TV himself directly to the electric pole behind his house. Service was out for a few hours but the electric company finally relented and is permitting Aunt Dee to make monthly payments.
As for me, with Dan’s pay-cut, I’ve had to cut back on my mani’s & pedi’s – but to fill that gap, I’ve decided to go back and get that degree I started all those years ago in Home Economics. I actually think it’s karma – the maintenance staff always tells Dan how they loved getting my individually wrapped Cheapskate’s Meat Loaf as New Year gifts, particularly since I attached the recipe card highlighting the economical advantages of using all those holiday leftovers.
Well, that’s it for now, I have replace a few sheets of plywood ~ they keep falling down in the middle of the night.
Love to all from all of us.