I do have some eye problems, so whatever I said to my MD, had him referring me to a retina specialist and my first ever retina exam, and in the parlance of medicine’s bedside manner, this exam made that cliché, “this may be a little uncomfortable,” sound like the scream right after the anvil falls on your big toe.
But I didn’t know that at the time – so come along with me, as Perry Como used to say, I’m on my way to the see stars.
I arrived, signed in, filled out all the new and repetitive forms, brought them back to the front desk, found a seat, read, took a leak, found an unfinished magazine crossword and almost an hour later was called into an exam room.
Now, I’ve learned over the years, that getting into an exam room, doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be seeing the doctor anytime soon; I brought People with me to read about who’s being unfaithful to whom.
A little while later, an assistant came in and started checking the history I’d given, she asked and I answered, then before I knew it, she had a tiny bottle of eye drops in her hand and, approaching me, said calmly and rapidly, “Lean back please, look at the ceiling, this may be a little uncomfortable.” Translation – an anvil is about to fall.
I complied before I could think and before I could catch my breath, drops were in each eye and she’s handing me a tissue. Whew – fast and stinging like hell. I’m not finished wiping away the smearing mascara, when she’s picking up my purse and People and escorting me to another room, directly opposite from this one.
In the new room, the assistant doesn’t turn on the light, tells me not to read, just to sit back, relax, and let the drops numb my eyes. Who am I to argue – duh – only the patient.
Anyway, that’s what I do until I hear ooh, ouch, aaahhhh, ooh, ow, ooh, OW ! My numb eyes snap open and I’m nearly out of the exam chair, when I realize it’s coming from the room I was in, and the door is closed. Crap – what’s happening in there?
It gets quiet, I try to settle down, and a few minutes later, a woman, the assistant, and a doctor come out, and walk up the hall. They look fine and a few minutes later, the assistant returns alone, and goes about cleaning up: spraying and wiping. I watch her by just turning my head to the left.
Approaching me now, I read, “Val” and Val asks that I follow her back into that first room, “have seat, lean back please, look at the ceiling, this may be a little uncomfortable” Jeez – another freakin’ anvil is falling. These drops must numb your brain too.
I’m still blinking and dabbing, when Val leaves and the doctor arrives. We chit-chit a few minutes, review my history again, and finally the exam begins.
For a while, it’s all the same ‘ol – same ‘ol, I’ve had these procedures before, no biggie. Then the water boarding begins. (more…)
